'U DESERVE ENDLESS APPRECIATION'~ The Garden of Nostalgia

(CW: relationship trauma)

I don’t know what I need from my partners, I don’t know how to disentangle my intense emotions ~ they come from my past, from being too much, from letting my happiness rest in another’s assurance of myself. Do I meet people where they are at- where would they be meeting me ? In a place of confusion, a place of growing self awareness (and the hurt that comes with it), a place of accepting love yet not knowing what that looks like. How do I move forward if I do not know what to ask for?

My past is one of hurt, of giving too much of myself to people that cannot handle it… I used to confuse love with addiction, with becoming so absorbed in another that my BEING is lost. My past is one where my youth was fragile then destroyed … I was not given space to heal, or an understanding of what I went through; I pushed myself forward mercifully, with pounds of guilt and shame wrapped around my heart. Now not even happy gestures of the heart can be celebrated, for with each tug unravels the misery of the past (one in which you and I are not responsible, yet deal with its consequences daily)... How does any gesture of love bring me hurt, yet I am supposed to WANT and ACCEPT better, more love?- any alternative shuts me out from a world of possibility, new growth and experiences.

My past taints the hope of a new future- but I will not allow it to destroy me and who I was. I was a hopeful person full of promises and giving, an orb of joy and fun, playfulness and mischief in its best way. When I channel this self, I am left to believe that it cannot last long, that it is not fully appreciated, that i am LESS THAN all around me… Can I enjoy the lightheartedness, even if its temporary? No one can make me feel my FULL SELF for I do not know who that is; at the least, those around me can support me in recognizing them, in creating my true self from the waste of the past- scraps of desires, untold truths, and an abundance of love floating in space 

(I grab bits and pieces and spread them amongst my people, fueling myself from new appreciation and rediscovering what I GIVE).

Intimacy leaves me breathless, an empowered and appreciated being of STRENGTH- followed by doubt in its permanence, its value if I cannot feel secure on my own. We can mutually share each other, all the scratches and marks there are to love, yet it leaves me fragile and vulnerable- a space hard to share with anyone else. I deserve this love yet do not know how to accept it; can someone appreciate me for my core and not for what I provide… My past self was obsessed with making others feel WHOLE and SEEN, leaving me in the shadows believing I was unable to receive the same. I was not a person yet a tool used to validate others, validate the idea that they could turn into someone fresh and new, when it was really them draining my magic… They sparked parts of myself I did not know existed and it felt like I could touch the horizon, I WAS THE SUN, nothing could stop me from experiencing such a unique, vast, petrifying feeling of ‘LOVE.’ 

(It is the want to give myself the ability to explore and expand my being indefinitely, and then maybe others shall be lucky enough to see it while growing themselves)

I am filled with hurt and shame and hurt hurt hurt when others see my tendencies, my examples of bad behavior ~ I am a victim of manipulation, yet I sharpen the sword that destroys my gut, tearing holes that leave me feel less than my worth. These patterns are hard to break when they are fed by trauma, the idea that I cannot break free of this curse of wanting more and receiving less than… wanting more comes from a place of seeking affirmation, of someone external telling me it will work out and I am who I am supposed to be.

Instead, I want MORE understanding, learning, shared spiritual yearning… I give myself this and more when I forgive the fact that these people did not deserve me and my wit, my love, my creations… and that I DESERVE ENDLESS APPRECIATION. One cannot give out what they do not have 4 themselves.

I need a fresh mindset ~ a garden with infinite seeds to plant. I need to envision connections that feed and support each other; I may be temperamental yet I just need a nurturing climate to flourish… I need to affirm that my love is worthwhile, my love is infinite, my love is a scarred yet beautiful thing. I need to know that I am free yet supported, that the water will return to replenish me, that the sun comes and goes yet that does not make me less ALIVE.  

I appreciate how I have come from the trenches and beautifully struggle to remain above ground, in the flowers of support… I uplift myself to create new, never before seen connections that support my journey of healing my past, 4 it is mine and mine alone (but destruction will not be fixed if it crushes me first); the soil will be blessed and forgiven and only then can I move forward.

Meanwhile, it is ok to exist in uncertainty, I have endured so much, I AM STRONG. I deserve love in its most free flowing form, 4 that is who I am… if I must remind myself what that looks like, it is ok, it is a long journey of discovery, ever changing.